Do you know what hurts the most ?

the fact that you know deep inside that you can't be loved.That no matter how hard you try. People will still expect something from you

i smoke to feel the flames inside hoping one day it would burn all the feelings i'm having...To release dopamine; and i would function normally again

but  every cigarette i light revives my hopes

and in the end i become a nicotine junkie and my freedom will be ripped from me by my own thoughts; 

it's an endless cycle ofideas...

and then you realise that even in heaven nothhing will be different from our current world... in hell you would have some hope that one day your torture will end..you have something to look foreward to...and when you finally reach heaven .. you will feel proud..will it last? will all that happiness last? i don't know and frankly i don't care

i'm writing and my hands feel numb ..And finally i feel a little bit better

but the circle keeps turning and i need to run to catch this forever..

i'm exhausted of all this dilemma i'm living..